By Ben Crystal
Very little in this world could motivate me to get out of bed that early; even less, if assault and battery were involved; I’m just not that much of a “stuff” guy. However, while media types wrung their hands in their annual bemoaning of Americans’ obsessive consumer culture, the melees brought me a little holiday cheer. Despite the differences of politics, religion and even sports fandom which separate us, the reality is that the scene outside places like the Mall of America Friday morning serves to remind us just how mighty America truly is.
Imagine being some Islamofascist, communist or Nazi, bent on burying America in the pages of history, only to discover we fight each other harder over the last “doorbuster” deal on Xbox Ones at the GameStop than we do the forces of evil arrayed against us. If your plan is to crush liberty under the boot heel of tyranny, it must be daunting as hell to know that you’re not only going to have to subdue the most awesome military machine in human history, but tens of millions of soccer moms who would gladly snap your limbs for 50 percent off the Lego City: Star Wars edition.
There is no world in which a collection of thugs can bring down a nation populated by people who are willing to risk love, life and limb to fight pitched battles to score bargains on gadgets and gear which will probably end up gathering dust in the basement within a few weeks. Neither Akbar, Alexandria nor Adolph can defeat a country which fears missing out on markdowns more mass murder. The worst aspect of free market capitalism — the inexorable pursuit of “things” — is also its greatest armor. You can knock down our buildings, murder our countrymen en masse and even make twisted videos of such crimes being committed, and we will still line up outside the mall for Black Friday deals.
Bring on your suicide bombers, jack-booted storm troopers and Bronx bartenders. Wave your ISIS banners, Antifa flags and socialist pamphlets. Threaten us with your bloodthirsty religions, violent “activists” and idiotic tweets. And when we’re done killing each other over the best deals on toys for our kids, we’ll deal with you and still make it home in time for “Cyber Monday” bargains online.